If I told you my secrets, would you turn and run? Or would you love me back in return? The times when I was silent, have been far and wide. Silence is not always golden. For I have missed out on too many opportunities to tell someone to fuck off when they really needed it, or to tell someone thank you when they whole heartedly deserved it, or last but not least, to say I love you. Silence is not golden. And the unsaid words, they never go away. ~Kat
I must go there.
I must pause here to explain something. This blog is not intended to be a day to day ordinary exploration of my life and thoughts. However it is meant to reveal parts of myself that I wish the world to know or be privy to. Often, I wish to tell secrets, and reign myself in. Other times I do speak of these things, but in metaphor or symbolism, without naming names. In so doing, I do not actually tell them, but let the reader in on moments that I must speak I must tell because my heart dictates it to be. Also, I attempt to write in a fashion that is literary, or art form. Therefore things that I say, may be misconstrued, or misunderstood repeatedly. What I meant by something which I have written, may or may not be how the reader interpretes it. This very thing, by which I enjoy to write, is what has caused a delemma. For those who should be close to me but are not, have taken these writings to be quite literal. And since they assume since they know me that they know me, they think that their own interpretation of these works is true. Rather then seeing them for what they are, a window into my soul, but through a glass at a distance. In other words, I am forthright without being so, and I tell deep deep dark secrets without telling anything at all. Some day, I may open up the gates and let the world know my true self through my writings. But it will be in my own time and choice, hopefully. So yes my words reveal my true self, but it is like peering through a window at a naked woman who is covered in shadow, and everything is outlined but the details are obscured. Therefore it is true and every inch of it, however it can be left open for interpretation. There are other times at which I actually leave the format of truth, but rather do create an illusion of sorts, of fiction, but in a way that it alludes to the truth, or points at it, and that is the reason for writing in that manner.
In addition, this blog is not a daily blog as the title suggests. The name came to me and it stuck. I have thought perhaps of calling it “Kat’s Not Daily Blog.” But somehow I have not brought myself to do it, quite yet. I go through things and must accomplish things that sometimes get in the way of writing here. Going forward is of utmost importance. If this blog gets in the way of my progress in my life, then I must hit the pause button. And for this I am truly sorry. I wish that this could be a daily blog. Not only that, but I feel the need at times to write about topics or to write casually in such a way that simply would not fit with how this blog has intended itself to be. But rather, it would not be appropriate. Some days these are the only things which come to my lips to type. And so on those days, my page is also quiet. And for this I apologize. But I long to write here. I long to speak with you. It is a craving. And so I do. Hello.
I also reserve the right to speak on topics of heated debate, as this is something near and dear to my heart.
Copyright Kat Lyons
Picture Reblogged: covermeinglitter
No I will not sit down. No I will not follow the crowd. No I will not behave. I will not be any man’s slave. I do not want to be owned, nor conjoled. Rising up like a phoenix out of this mess. Clawing my way up is more like it. Surveying the land and there is so much yet to be done. They told me to go home. I refused. They told me to get a good little job that would get me nowhere. I refused. Blinded I could not see the opportunities right infront of me. So I took the high road, the broken down path straight on through to the left, with branches hanging down in my way. Because I was bound and determined to get to the top. If that is what I had to do, then so be it.
Ten years later and at the top of the revine, looking down amongst the tumble of branches below, that wasn’t such a good idea, after all. But it did get me to where I can now see where I’m going. If I had listened to them I wouldn’t have made it this far. So they can go screw themselves. With their determined pout, listening to the male dominating voice telling them what to do, running around like rats in a cage, they pump themselves up with the self described democracy. Sure they have made progress too, but to what avail? On the backs of others, who don’t realize they’re there. Looking down our noses at each other, we both scorn. But I am torn. Wanting to reach back into yesterday and explain the pain, and the need. Wanting to say all those things left unsaid, that have gone to the wind. But I can’t.
Looking ahead I can see the possibility, that I might meet a few friends along the way. I hope they acknowledge me. I hope it wasn’t just a dream, that we were comrads in arms, in the dark of the night. I’d like to finish a thought or two, and tell them what was happening to, me. I’d like them to know why I fell, why I changed, why I said some things I did. I let misunderstandings stand strong. I was too busy going around and around, broken in pieces and falling to the ground. Looking up through the pain, leaves falling, swirling all around, my back, it collapsed on me, and I simply could not get up.
Next thing I know, I am somewhere else and they are nowhere to be found, for I have gone. I’d like to tell them a thing or two. I’m sorry I wasn’t friends with you, more then the buddy system we had in the halls and the mirror or two or three. But let me tell you, it was your secrets that kept me from you. And it was your secrets that you were ahead of me. But I still have hope and it is looking like chances may and many years of long hard work might, have me meet you right, in the place that we both knew we were destined to. In my heart of hearts, I’m sorry I didn’t give you credit where credit is due. Of course you were great as so was I. And so I should have known that you were going too. Please remember me. I have missed you all these years. I’m so glad you made it, through my tears. I have cried for years without knowing, without saying, without explaining. I didn’t know that in my heart you were a friend, a friend who I didn’t ever want to say goodbye to, or at the very least to have the chance, the chance to say goodbye, I never did get that chance.
Copyright Kat Lyons
Picture Reblogged: fuckyeahgirlythings
One thing at a time, are words to a song. It is something which she never wanted to do. But as time has gone by, she has learned that sometimes, it is the best method of choice.
When she was young, she wanted to be a singer. And she found a love for writing music. An opera came to her, through trial, error, and thorough sacrifice. She had to make the time for it’s arrival. She also had to work out every little phrase, twisting them on her tongue, one by one. Eventually, the phrases came together and turned into paragraphs. As the years went by, these phrases grew up and took on a life of their own.
During these formative years, she was told that she needed to become a singer immediately, if that is what she wanted to do. This made no sense to her because she knew what she wanted to become. She could not sing those notes, or those phrases, in that way, or even close. At college others said that she had a voice. She garnered an award for vocal recognition from California. But still, this wasn’t enough for her to begin professionally. Because she had her own ideas of what technical skills that she wanted her voice to perform. It was nowhere near this. At that point in time, it looked impossible. She would have had to settle for being a different kind of singer then what she wanted to be. She could have done that. But she wanted to learn how to sing, in the way that she dreamed of when she listened to the radio. And so she waited, and learned.
What she didn’t realize, is that sometimes, you can’t control fate. Sometimes, it controls you. This meant that accidents occurred which stretched even her own timeline much farther into the future then she realized. Some would say that she should give up, before she has even started. But she dedicated her life to work towards these goals, and many more. So there is no way that she will ever give up.
Now the sounds that she wanted to do back then, are beginning to come to her lips, through training.
Not being able to write the music down on paper, has been her achilles heel. But soon, there may be a way for her to be able to over come this delemma. Then she will able to finish what she started, and to come full swing. She hopes to finish what has to be done, in the next three years. Deadlines have never been her friend. So she is not saying this officially, but unofficially. This is her goal. Then she hopes to put together her demo, and apply.
And if a miracle should come her way, and make it take much less time, they are quite welcome, to come inside.
Copyright Kat Lyons
Picture Source: Martha Stewart
Colors in a wheel, spinning and spinning, where will it stop? Calling, and naming, papers on a secretaries desk, and something once dreamed is now slowly becoming reality. Internet research, window shopping and choosing, thinking and musing, arguing and bickering, stress and worry, all are a part of the cycle of buying a house. Personalities become hot, because deadlines loom. Conflict and dispair, bliss and heaven, this is taking me there.
Picture perfect home, a place in the hills, with a handyman whiling away the hours, day after day. Concerns and worry mounting, but choices once wished for are here. Thrown in the air a million cards, each must be answered in only a day. Study and research, all not for nothing, for now is the time that it is the locomotion to the machine. Bumps in the path, it’s not quite all that, she has her way, and I have my way, clashing like two titans who have to agree. Finding commonality in this, moments never to be forgotten, stolen in a flash, with a salesperson waiting by her side. To freeze in time moments that go by way too fast, not much time, the pile is so high…Difficulty has reached new heights, for decisions could not be made, were not to be made, had to wait and wait year after year, until they are all due at once. Standing infront of the door to an open room, envisioning an idea, a choice or two. All has to be done, done right or done wrong….It seemed so easy when it was only to visualize. But the details of who, what, and where, and the surprising complexity, jumping through hoops, I can hardly wait to be there. But this is the fun part, amidst all the stress, like a cartoon of a lady at her desk, her arms flying a mile a minute from the phone to the desk. My feet are wearing out, wearing thin. The amazing capacity of others to stand for when. The capacity to do things, to go back and forth again, she’s worried her feet might give out, if she has to do this again.
Copyright Kat Lyons
1st Picture Reblogged: inspiremydreams
Picture Reblogged: inspiremydreams
Fear is our worst enemy. But so is denial. Cold hard facts must be looked at honestly, unless one wants to miss out on something special. Of course optimism is the best route. Because whichever way you are looking, is the direction that you are heading.
But there are days, where things just go badly. Today my families’ cat died. I was there with him for two hours while he fought through the pain, and reaching for his breaths. I’m sorry that he had to go. I’m sorry that he had to feel so much pain.
I have been making plans for this coming year, as I just had my birthday. I succeeded last year, in reaching two major goals. I was able to get my mother and me a house. I say me, because I was the one who started the hunt, the research, chose the houses to go look at, chose who to hire, and every little detail, until we have now reached the renovation part. She is handling most of that. It was a success partly because of my passion to make it happen. This came from the truth of the situation being thrust upon me, when I had to move back home after my accident. I was shocked and dismayed to find my mom in squalor. I had no idea that her home was in such great disrepair. It is an old mobile home. This has been an embarrassment for me, and a life changing event for her. I realized that it was up to me to figure out how to get her out of here. I imagined her dying in her bedroom, amongst the saddest excuse for a home that I’ve seen in years. I couldn’t let it happen, sitting down. So I got up, onto the internet, and pushed and pushed this dream that seemed so absolutely unrealistic, to fruition.
The second thing which I accomplished, was for my singing voice to grow to dimensions closer to what I can see having a chance as a professional singer. Thanks to a new teacher who believed in me, he showed me the way there. His technique and skills for helping me to understand concepts necessary to make this happen, is why I have a chance now.
This year, I want to move in to the new house. I will help pay the mortgage. We are going to clear out our hoarding. This is a major undertaking. I am going to organize things to go through on a very serious level. It may well take some time.
I also want to work on my music, laying down tracks for songs which I have been working on. I hope to achieve reaching a level with several of my own compositions, to where they will be ready for me to put words to the melodies. Meanwhile, I also plan to take out my two books that I worked on writing previously and have set down. I want to begin working on them again. I also want to begin notes for working on writing new books as well.
Meanwhile, like a lot of girls, I want to get in shape. But since my injuries have prevented me from being the athlete and dancer which I once was, this is a truly tall order. But I am not against hardship. I have had my fill.
I thank all of my followers for being here. I am grateful to all of you. If it weren’t for you, I might not have stayed at this location. Tumblr has helped me to be more consistent in my writing, and to feel that I have a place for my voice to be heard. Thank you!
Copyright Kat Lyons
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